I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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