May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
