you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
