One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
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Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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