you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
