I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
