11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
