420 ftw
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
