my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
