You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
