If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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