why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
