I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
