hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
