i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
