So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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