Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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