i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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