I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Randomize
