When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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