Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
