I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
...so i touched it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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