Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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