so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
