Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
