"it" just moved
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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