never play flip cup with pint glasses
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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