the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
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He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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