Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
She said her name was "party"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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