he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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