Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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