From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Is Oprah even human
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
