got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
