Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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