My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
