I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
