Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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