The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Your mouth is God's brothel.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
