and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You ruined the universe
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
