she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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