we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I love you.
Bad choice
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
