i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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