i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
