Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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