soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
