hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
