He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
