we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
