like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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