I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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