Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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