I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
