I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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