Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
