Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
