its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
