i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
